Songs for the night

Love me harder -the weeknd
The heart wants what it wants -Selena Gomez

Your secret letter

I had gotten angry with him. Hurt and upset. Only because, well I was hurt. And I was scared. Above all things I was scared. I knew his intentions, were so clearly correct. And that only a man who truly loved me could make a decision like this. The bible says that a man that loves himself and loves jehovah even more, can only then, love his wife. And it’s true. I do not hate you. I never could actually. I guess I am just scared of another unknown phase in my life. Another change. For I won’t know how you are. I won’t know if you’re sticking to what you said. I’m scared about putting faith and then the circumstances changing again. But I do know that the bible says. It says not to be anxious over anything. If you come across this letter to you sometime. If you read it. Know this. That I’d never send back the ring you gave me. That I would never want you to disappear. That I would never want you to not talk to me ever again. That I do want to see you soon. That I will attend every meeting and study and pray until I come back to jehovah. That I will grow up. I will learn how to be independent. And be grateful for things like family. Love. Jehovah. And that I will not look elsewhere for love. Because aside from you and I, there is no form of love greater other than our gods love for us. No one could ever love me as much as you. No one would ever care this much for me to choose this way to be the best and right way of all. And even though it is the most challenging and hardest way, I do know us. I know we can make it. So promise me you’ll keep your words. That you’ll keep your promises. That the vision of me in your heart will not fade. That days won’t go without the thought of me. That you’ll still hear my voice saying I love you. And that you’ll hear my laugh. And I hope that you don’t forget one minute of what we’ve shared. Please hold onto hope. Hold onto the thought of us truly and finally being together. And I can promise you this. No matter how upset I get, do the opposite. You know me. I promise I will come back. And I will do all it takes to be a woman. I promise the door, will always be open for you in my heart, in my soul, and in my life. I told you thousands of times that I am yours. Your forever and always. Through the good. The bad. And the ugly. And I will keep my words. I love you forever. I can’t wait to see you soon. I love you Birdy

56 days. A night to think

We were wrong about many things baby. But I wanna stop and think just about this one. That I’ve just learned. We were two hundred and fifty six miles wrong. We aren’t three thousand miles apart. We are only two thousand and forty four miles apart. Here I was thinking that you were farther away than you actually were.

You told me that tonight we needed our space to think separately. So here I am. Laying in this bed that brings back far too many memories. It makes me question how I was able to bare sleeping in it for almost two years now. In fact it’s made me quiet lazy at times.

Where was I. Ah yes. Time to think…
Well I’ve thought. Cried. Thought. And then I began to daze. About love. Patience. And hope. About the person I was at 15. And the person I am now. I almost wanna draw myself a diagram to physically see for myself, what I’d like to change, well, improve.

I know it’s off subject. But sometimes I have flashbacks of us. Not just the times we were together. But times where I was somewhere texting you. Or writing a letter. A song that I felt was my life at the moment. Even blueberry scones and caramel macchiatos. I remember moments like sitting in the sand looking at the horizon telling myself these next couple years are do-able. And that we’ll make it. That I’ll see you again.

It’s mind blowing just how many fragments and pieces and moments you’ve been attached to in my life.

These last few months are harder than I ever imagined.

I don’t know why. I don’t know how. They just are.

I find myself saying something I never would’ve said to your face. I’m so sorry.

Sometimes things feel impossible. And that’s when I get very sad. Knowing that the word impossible once was never in my vocabulary. I was an odd breed in this family. With a cold case of hope. Which of course is good. But boy do I see how there is no gray scale in life. No sitting on the fence. You’re either all in. Or all out. Black. Or white. Light or dark. Happy. Or depressed. High or low. In love or heartbroken. Hopeful. Or impossible.

Growing up is mysterious.

Maybe I’ve changed because I’m growing.

I know better not to let traits like hope, go.

Stetson. I still love you. And to be honest. Sometimes it feels like a different love. Because it’s so different from those tender compassionate feelings we made in person. It’s like the earth has watered it down. Like we’re in this drought. In need to be water. Wilting roses.

You are the kind of man that is non existent in young men today. I am sorry for letting impatience damper that trueness in you. About being a head. I don’t mean to force it on you. I guess I just… I get frustrated. I have such high standards for us. Because we’ve been through SO MUCH. And now here we are. 56 days til I’m 18. The day we’ve been counting down to since I was 15. And we’re a mess. Here I am in a situation I never even thought I’d be in. I feel like sometimes as time moves forward and we get closer to that day, we move backwards. Getting farther away from our goal.

I get so mad. And then I realize the space we are from our goal. And I just wanna sprint. I wanna charge my 100% to that zone. And just shake off all the bad and dust and time wasted and I just wanna jump out of the funk and get right to where I should be. Because we’ve been through so much for so long, and I should know better than to be slacking. And I’m sorry I in ways put that on you. Like it’s your fault. It’s not. And I’m sorry.

Someone told me that I put these perfect standards for myself. And it’s not realistic for things to go perfectly. So when it’s not achieved in a fantastic way, I’m disappointed. I take it out on myself and depress myself because I think it’s me. When it’s really not. It’s just not natural. Raw.

You always put me in my place. And tell me to be strong. To get myself together. Not to dwell on the past. To help you. Not to give up. And even though I don’t say it often. It’s really helped me. I finally did realize what I needed to do, and I’m working hard at my capability. I know I am able to reach realistic goals. I can do anything. And even if it’s hard for me to believe that I can, I won’t stop telling myself that. I remember I told you I came up with a saying.

“We believe what we tell ourselves.”

I’d honestly tattoo that to my ribs. Because it’s the cage to my lungs. And without a foundations to hold me up id fall down. I wouldn’t be able to breathe in the air that feeds me life. My heart would not allow blood to flow. And without any of those things, I would not love. I would not live.

We are possible. I can still see us going to meetings. Excelling spiritually. Making new friends and traveling. Getting married. Partners. One day a family. I can see it all for us.

I want this still.

I want us.

I promise to love you always. In the bad and in the good. I promise to follow you in the path you lead. To be supportive and helpful. Listening and understanding. To make you smile and laugh as much as possible. To take care of you. To comfort you. To inspire you everyday. I promise I will hold onto hope. To be patient even if I need a reminder. I promise to hold your hand and kiss you everyday. To cherish each day I have with you in these last days. And to live forever on earth with you serving jehovah whole heartedly, in our perfect bodies. I promise to be a good friend, wife, and mother. I promise all of these things and more.

Stetson Barkes, you are the one. You always have been. And I knew that the second I saw you sitting across the table from me. I have loved you in another life. In the stars and sky and sea. I will love you always through everything forever.

I love you.
Xx

I just want love

I like a bottle of whiskey
And a blanket
And I’d lay in the middle of the road

I’d feel the cold asphalt on my back
And state at the gallery of stars

I just wanna close my eyes
But tonight I can’t do that

My stomach feels punched
And suddenly my future too

Like a big slap on my face

And I just wanna close my eyes and not wake up

Like when you’re carrying a bunch of bags from the grocery store and they bust and all the food spills by your feet… Like fuck

I’d just stand and stare
I guess I’m just tired

I don’t wanna fight
I wanna live

I don’t wanna be hurt

I just want love

Sept 28, 2014

So tonight… Change everything again
Isn’t life a bitch sometimes
Just when things get so good
It all caves in on you

Quite confused
Confusing

Pain
Painful

Angry
Hurt

I can’t grasp all my words but I’m trying

You are my life

Try to push the memories away
But the black of the dawn allows them to creep in
Slowly one by one

You’re on my mind all the time.

I wish I could come to you
In ways I have not been able to in a while
I’d run
I’d leap
Skip
Jump
Walk
Dance

I’d come to you.

The scariest thing about me loving you. Is knowing you have my little fragile heart in your hands. And so easily you could crush me. But I love you enough to hand myself to you, and trust you with the power of treating me in ways man and woman should.

And the scary thing is we grow up and change. Some days I thought it would be easier. But it’s not because I’m so far away. So seeing changing from a distance and not being part of it, makes me feel distant. And that’s why I get green. That’s why I get silent. Because something’s will be so new from the last time I saw you.

But I’m willing to love you anyways, because that’s what love is.

It’s understanding and patient
It’s kind and sympathetic
It’s yellow and gold
It’s forgiving and agreeable
It’s a way of life

And Stetson, you are my life.

Silent night

My mind can’t even filter our songs
Because the pain is too much to grasp
Old pictures are like little stabs in my chest
I realized today I have no pictures of you
That since we decided we still want each other, we have not talked for one whole night yet.
We both work and stay busy to run from depression.
But I’m not scared
I’m just worried that when we don’t talk, some one else is filling that silence.
I miss being the priority
Because you want me to be there with you so badly, but you act compete opposite of that desire now.
It’s confusing.
As honest as this is, I don’t see how if things continue like this that it’ll get better if I’m there.
Maybe.
But I want some spark of excitement now before I go!
Because we drag on this dread… And it does nothing good.
Nothing.

I just want you to miss me again
I want you to want me
To need me
To love me

To let me love you